Oscar Homestretch Mildly Infuriating; Makes Us Want To Punch Someone In The Face

Oscar Week is upon us. Unless you're living under a rock, the circle-jerk awards ceremony takes place Sunday February 24 at 8 p.m. EST/5 p.m. PT. And if you haven't heard Jon Stewart is hosting via a script written very last minute (i.e. it's going to be shittier than usual this year, though Stew is pretty funny).

Voting for the Academy Awards officially closed on Tuesday (or Wed at 12:00 a.m.) so at least we'll get some respite to pundits thinking they can detect every fucking imperceptible shift in the wind over the collective conscious of Oscar voters, and lord hearing everyone chime in with their two cents gets to be rather infuriating after awhile.

While we might look like jackasses in the end, look, "Juno" is not winning anything besides Best Screenplay, everyone please shut the fuck up about this film somehow squeaking in and winning Best Picture [ed. Normally this is where we shame you, but we're with you here. Not a snowballs chance in hell]. We have nothing against it, in fact, we'll defend it to lardbags like Jim DeRogatis all day long, but it's just not going to win Best Picture, sorry.

Intangible, Abstract Concept Of 'Momentum' Charted By Soothsaying Writer Who Has Read Two Articles
What ends up happening is people tend to get bored and overthink things which tends to make them lose shit the bed in their Oscar pool. Take Jill Serjeant at Reuters for instance. She apparently has a "momentum" detector at her disposal that has informed (after reading one article at The Envelope and one by former Maxim critic Peter Hammond (named the worst film critic of the year in an online poll, btw), that Oscar voters were starting to feel sympathy towards George Clooney over Daniel Day-Lewis because he's handsome, charming and never won a Best Actor Oscar. We would love to invite her over to our Oscar pool, plow her with copious drinks and egg her on to make tons of side bets that would make her have to take out a second mortgage.

She basically claimed that the Oscar race for Best Actor and Best Actress (which are pretty well determined - at least to a certain level) was all of a sudden heating up the week before the Oscars. Really? Says who? Remembers, sometimes writers write articles for the same reason dogs like their balls (that and content deadlines).

Exceptional Year For Films Prompts Jackass Film Critic to Complain
Any year when there's nary a real studio film in the Best Picture category is damn fine year and 2007 was an exceptionally good year for movies, but not to all critics.

This year we have studio indies with smaller budgets, essentially aiming for smart films with modest budgets and modest aspirations (at least earning enough so you can make another). So the studio films being shut out of the Oscars is a good thing, it can only help the art of smart, well-executed films. Everyone really should be pleased as punch besides the studios and suits who favor their shareholders and the bottom line, yes?

Except for jackass movie writer Christy Lemire, who genuinely seems disappointed with this year's crop of films rounding out the five nominations for Best Picture despite it being one of the most respectable groups of nominees in years.

She writes about "No Country For Old Men" and "There Will Be Blood": "One film has an oblique ending that's left some viewers dissatisfied and others floored by its profundity. The other features a slowly developing plot and a brutal, operatically violent finale. But most moviegoers have seen neither of them — and they never will — even though they're the two leading contenders for best picture at the Academy Awards."

Jesus christ. So because they're too artfully made the Academy should pander to more populist fare? This above quote makes us want to take a trip to the AP offices and slap the stupid right out of her. She then complains that this year's crop of Oscar picks have received "little mainstream buzz." Who gives a flying fuck? God. She then dives into how little the nominated Best Picture films have made to prove her point and basically infuriates by intimating that Academy members are out of touch by not nominating bigger money-making films.

She then begrudgingly admits "While [this year's crop of films] haven't exactly been boffo in terms of box office, this year's awards contenders are undeniably strong in terms of art." Yeah, no shit. This is something to bitch about? Send us your address. We will send people to kill you. She'd probably be happy to know however, that if pedestrian yobs had their way, "Juno" would win Best Picture this year according to an E-Poll/Reuters survey. God forbid a film is ambiguous, dark or not spoonfed into your mouth, huh?

We could probably go and find 10,000 more examples of this jackassery prognostication or ridiculous bitching that's putting a bee in our bonnet, but we figure we've made our point. Maybe we just need to tune it all out or we'll have an aneurysm.