Count Chocula, Peter Pan, Scooby Doo! Tarsem's Ridiculous Fairytale 'The Fall' Hits This Weekend

God, writing about this movie is like fishing with dynamite in a pond, but we can't help it, it's so much fun. So we wrote about visual magician Tarsem (he sort of strikes us as the David Blane of film directors) and his fanciful, ridiculously-looking new film, "The Fall," in a piece titled,"Ridiculous 'Plot' Of Tarsem Singh's New 'The Fall' Allows Filmmaker To Honor Commitment To Making Pretentious-Looking Twaddle, and we really feel that that says it all (but that won't stop us from prattling on).

Don't let the fact that the film is "presented by David Fincher and Spike Jonze," fool you. This isn't going to be "cool and edgy," it's going to be like the "Neverending Story" only with straight-faced adults in tights, sweaty, homoerotic slaves and magic, tons and tons of fabulous, illogical magic.

Reviews over at Rotten Tomatoes are inexplicably mixed (56% we would assume people would laugh the film out the door). Variety loathes is ("This convoluted, arbitrary, overlong whimsy will strike most grown-ups as childish, and is far too violent and pretentious for kids. " Dennis Harvey writes).

Our buddy, MTV's Kurt Loder describes it as a wet fart or "two hours of high-end perfume commercials," and the New York Post cracks us the fuck up with this bonne mot: "It's basically a Middle Eastern version of "The Princess Bride" with an assisted-suicide subplot, " lol.

Our unfair, pre-judging preview said, "it's kind of a capricious bonding fairy tale/adventure story with lots of faggy-looking costumes, arrows being dodged, elephants swimming in oceans, lithe slaves carrying royalty, monkeys (monkeys are always a must) and other elements of [utter nonsense]. The film stars... well, nobody really, and essentially looks like a collection of pretentious, Salvador Dali-looking surrealist tableaux's and eye-candy for color-correction lab nerds."

To be fair, Glen Kenny kinda loved it, but he just got fired so what the fuck does he know (too soon! his new blog lies here)? "The Fall is a movie whose every frame pulsates with the desire to be a transportive, transcendent work of cinema. And each one of said frames is full of visual bedazzlement and wonder," he gushed.

We didn't bother try seeking a screening and we can't in good conscience pay to see this thing. Best of luck if you venture into theaters this weekend, all three of you.