Abortion Cinema: My Box Office Bologna Has A First Name And It's August 29th

It's biologically the last weekend of August and that means its time for the worst movies America has to offer. And dear god, America has really stepped up to the challenge. Never have we seen a lineup this destined for abject failure.

Five films open in wide release this weekend, (Aug. 29-31) "Disaster Movie," "Babylon A.D.," "Traitor," "Hamlet 2," and "College." "Hamlet 2" made an impressive debut at Sundance and opened in select cities last week to only decent reviews (60% on Rotten Tomatoes). Now gone wide, the Steve Coogan comedy doesn't seem to have fared any better but we liked it because of its demented hilarity. Out of the other four movies debuting wide tomorrow, only "Traitor" and "Babylon A.D." has more than zero percent on Tomatoes (but A.D.'s score is abysmal too). It's like critics didn't even bother to review the last two (oh wait, they were never screened for critics, gotcha).

The only other film with a shred of respect, "Traitor," starring a by-the-book FBI agent (Guy Pearce) who unravels an international conspiracy with a former Special Ops. Officer (Don Cheadle), looks predictable and suffers from totally divided reviews. You can find at least a dozen straight to DVD movies starring Steven Seagal or Armand Assante at your local video store and be just as disappointed.

"Babylon A.D.", starring the never-times Academy-Award-nominated loser Vin Diesel, is sitting pretty on RT with (adjusted for inflation) 0.8% rating. Granted, there are only ten reviews on the site, but even the director has vocalized his disgust with the film. According to the filmmaker, Matthew Kassovitz, the film is "pure violence and stupidity" and he basically suggests you avoid it all costs (even at the expense of his major studio filmmaking career.

Cranked out in the wave of post "Superbad" R-rated teen sex comedies (See: "Sex Drive"), "College" is made by nobodies. First time director Deb Hagan and first time screenwriters Dan Callahan and Adam Ellison pop their movie cherries with this lame attempt at "college humor." The film stars Drake Bell ("Drake and Josh") as the stud, relative unknown, Andrew Caldwell as the thud, and Kevin Covais ('American Idol') as the dud. It seems to have have many similarities to "Superbad" except actually being remotely funny, sweet or enjoyable.

Last and most certainly least is the new gift from hell made by "two of the six writers of "Scary Movie," the nausea-inducing, cash-grabbing lampoon of disaster films inventively titled, "Disaster Movie." The hacks for hire Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer have made four movies together ("Date Movie," "Epic Movie," "Meet the Spartans," and 'Disaster;) and the cumulative percentage of their crimes add up to a measly ten percent on Rotten Tomatoes. Movies take years to make, but these mentally retarded and weak-ass filmmakers saw the trailers to every summer movie, wrote them down, added midgets, recruited the "MadTV" regulars, and said, "Action!" (Guys "Enchanted" and "Juno" are not disaster movies, get your heads out of your asses, you twits). If you've ever posted a trailer or a poster for one of these films, feel shame now please.

These films make money and that's the only reason they're continually cranked out. (Thanks pre-teens!). These two vagina farmers (Friedberg and Seltzer) have drummed up such a large amount of loathing, if you patrol their IMDb message boards, you'll find those pleading for their collective assassinations and we have to admit, this is a reasonable request. If you've ever paid money to see one of these films consider yourself dead to us for all eternity.

"College" and "Disaster Movie" weren't screened for critics, so that is a tell tale sign that the movies are terrible, but you already figured that. Next weeks box office crop isn't much better. "Bangkok Dangerous," also not screened for critics, is the only new film in wide release. Luckily, the pickins' get better come mid September. God, I need to take a bath now, this made me ill.