'What Just Happened' In This Film? Or The Critics That Are Now Dead To Us For Liking This Film

Painful. There might not be any other way to describe our reaction to Barry Levinson's pitiful inside-baseball Hollywood satire, "What Just Happened?"

Then there's the painful irony. The movie within a movie that stars Sean Penn (get it!?) is icily received at a screen test. How ironic, and meta, must it have been to actually have been at the poorly-received test screening for the movie about a film that begins with a poorly-received test screening!! Penn's fake movie ends with a the killing of a dog! The ultimate no-no for film audiences. If only someone would have turned the pistol on the filmmakers themselves and put us out of our film going misery.

Admittedly, we were curious about this film initially. Hey, we paid money to see it, but this sad excuse for a Hollywood industry spoof. Hell, even the worst seasons of "Entourage" are more entertaining than this, and if you've watched that sinking HBO ship this season, you know that's no fucking around.

We seriously haven't been this bored in a movie since "The Longest Most Meaningless Movie in the World," or this un-entertained in forever. Had we an aisle seat we would've bailed for sure. What's it about? Oh god. Robert DeNiro plays a high-stakes film producer who professional and personal life are falling apart. His new film has a diva, bad-boy director (Michael Wincott; is he channeling Axl Rose as a filmmaker?), a shitty ending and has tested poorly. The ladies and his life are varying degrees of pissed-off. His estranged wife (Robin Wright Penn) is in the final stages of separation and his studio boss (a typically bitchy and cold Catherine Keener) is ready to gut his film if the pouting director doesn't get his way. Meanwhile a new project he's producing starring Bruce Willis (he plays himself and he sends himself up!) is in trouble because the action star has gained weight and now sports a hirsute, Grizzly Adams beard he refuses to shave. No shave, no movie! (Seriously, we're not kidding, this is used as a second act "problem"). John Turturro plays Willis' wimpy, whiny agent who can't force him to do shit and Kristen Stewart portrays DeNiro's teenage daughter who was being balled deep by another producer until he bit it in a suicide bid. Stanley Tucci plays a writer and a rival for his now single wife (the funeral scene that they're at, pictured above, devolves into such retarded buffoonery, you can't help but cringe).

When we saw the trailer for this months ago, we figured it'd be "The Player"-lite, but man, we we were never expecting something this horrendous. We're not sure if a more unfunny, and painstakingly dull and banal film has been made this year.

Sadly, some critics think the film is too "inside" to appeal to audiences which makes us slap our foreheads in exasperated disbelief as it's about as studio insider-y 101. Anyone who's ever read an article in Variety (or watched four minutes for Entourage) can pick up on this trite mundanes. Hello, audiences are inured and accustomed to this stuff by now. If you're going to dig at this kind of stuff, you need have some insight and bite. Even the few studio moments of "Tropic Thunder" with Tom Cruise and Matthew McConaughey had more bark than this toothless excuse for satire. There's not even an ounce of clever, meta-ness going on to make a true insider or outsider laugh.

'Happened' is so dated, so out-of-touch, so cliched and so paint-by-numbers of studio, self-reflexiveness, it feels like a script that's been lying around since 1991 and someone dusted off and said, "hey, this is still relevant!" (Sorry to be an ageist, but that person is probably over 65). Did any of the actors in this thing or anyone remotely involved think this film was edgy at all? 'Happened' feels like it was written by your unfunny Uncle who spent three months in Los Angeles, overhearing Starbucks conversations between Hollywood interns and mailroom guys and thinking, "oooh, this is juicy stuff."

Speaking of horrible; pull quotes about "What Just Happened?" from the hack master himself Peter Hammond. He laughably writes, "The adult comedy surprise of the year. A fast moving, often hysterically funny little gem about the business called show." Ouch. You'll remember this guy got called out last year as being the number ONE Film Critic Whore for his endorsement for pretty much every piece of garbage committed to film and the excruciatingly lame-duck zingers that went along with them. He almost make Gene Shalit look like Shakespeare at this point. Seriously, one of the most unpleasant and pained film-going experiences we suffered through all year. We'd rather be forced to watch "Cloverfield" on repeat ad nauseum than have to witness that bullshit even one more time. [D-]

We were going to list out all the critics we liked who liked this film and officially call them dead to us, but hell, they know who they are and they'll have to live with it. BTW, Variety Chief Peter Bart, one usually accused of going really soft on Industry-type stories, hated this too and pretty much felt the same way we did. He asks, "Who forgot all the jokes? and then adds, "the movie is all pain." Seriously.