What If The 'Twilight' Soundtrack Didn't Totally Suck?

Along with today's release of a new video from the "Twilight" soundtrack by Warped tour band Paramore (see video below) we're pleased to bring you our alternate universe suggested soundtrack. In this universe the music won't totally suck.

Most of the guys around The Playlist have little to no interest in "Twilight" -- in fact, some of them keep asking me questions like, "so what is this 'Twilight' thing" and "do you think it'll be successful?" Stupid boys, you'd think they were never 12 year old girls. It is simply not pedigreed (or wrapped with some sort of Nazi Germany plot twist) enough to merit their attention. It should be - Catherine Hardwicke, was the director of the very auspicious teen movie "Thirteen" (she also directed "The Nativity Story" [2006] and "Lords of Dogtown" [2005])

Allow me to give you a summary of why the "Twilight" phenomenon will be huge: "Romeo & Juliet" (any interpretation, from the 1936 version you probably watched on movie day in junior high to Baz Luhrman's pop circus vision to "Valley Girl"). People love rooting for star-crossed lovers and, apparently, people also love vampires right now since they've overtaken pop culture in the last year. The entire book is basically a transcription of the way it felt when you were an inexperienced teenager raging with lust that you mistook for love, but in this story it's requited and doesn't end with public humiliation (unlike the stories from many peoples' formative years not that we'd know about that).

If, however, you too were disappointed in the lack of sophistication or sense of humor in the songs chosen for the "Twilight" soundtrack we're with you and so we offer our own soundtrack for the teen juggernaut that's more in the spirit of John Hughes' effortlessly cool and referential music choices that actually enhanced his movies and characters. Think about Andie in "Pretty In Pink" accidentally blasting New Order's "Shellshock" for two seconds when that asshole Steff stops by her car after school to try and bang her -- when you grab the soundtrack and actually listen to that song you can totally see why Andie would have been listening to it and why it's ironic in the scene. Or The Specials' "Little Bitch" playing in the background of "Sixteen Candles" while Long Duck Dong dangles drunk from a tree and calls Jake his sexy girlfriend. Totally hilarious if you listen to the song.

Instead of including so many artists that Twilight author Stephenie Meyer was listening to when she wrote the book (that info is nice but if you read her Twilight playlist you can see she has the worst taste in music possible and should have someone edit her music collection ASAP) or instead of using music as window dressing in a scene (which "Twilight" music supervisor Alexandra Patsavas is now infamous for doing with indie music in TV series "The O.C.," "Gossip Girls" and "Grey's Anatomy" — let's face it her style is phoned-in and played-out at this point), our alternatives offer some cheekiness as well as depth and credibility. Oh yeah and it includes certain glaring omissions from the goth music world that make us doubt the sanity of all the people involved with the actual music on this project.

Alternate Universe Twilight Soundtrack:
With Actual Cool Songs and No Wannabe '90s Poser Bands
Please download and enjoy.

1. Arctic Monkeys - "Perhaps Vampires Is A Bit Strong But..." - This song should play the first time Bella walks through her new school with everyone staring at her or the first time she and Edward walk around school as a couple. The idea of calling the people of the town vampiric vultures who should fuck off and mind their own business with an actual song about vampires is perfect.

2. Clinic - "If You Could Read Your Mind" - Edward should be listening to this on is iPod at some point to reference his mind reading abilities, preferably before they're revealed. Fairly easy song to place considering the unsettling music.

3. Clearlake - "I'd Like to Hurt You" - Perfect for a Bella & Edward in the car scene to add a little extra "wtf human + vampire love?" vibe to the setting. Also great reference to Edward's intense desire at the start of their relationship to, um, drain Bella of her blood.

4. Pixies - "I Bleed" - One of three songs that we deem as glaring, unforgivable omissions. Would be great in a Cullen family out hunting animals scene.

5. Bat for Lashes - "I'm On Fire" - This is the song that should score Edward and Bella's first kiss/make out session as seen in the newest trailer. And oh yeah, it's a creepy cover of a Bruce Springsteen song.

6. The Organ - "No One Has Ever Looked So Dead" - The song is as meta in a vampire movie as the title suggests, but we'd use it in a scene with Bella and her dad Charlie, who in the book is pining away for his marriage to her mother.

7. The Magnetic Fields - "Love in the Shadows" - In a movie about raging true love between star-crossed teenagers how could you not have a Mag Fields song? This is easily the spookiest, off-kilter melody on 69 Love Songs and we'd like to see it utilized when Bella and Edward are roaming around the forest together.

8. Dot Allison- "Colour Me" - A fantastic, overwhelming, heart-thumping song that would work with any sort of love scene that involves emoting with the actors' eyes.

9. The Cure - "A Night Like This" - Another glaring omission that is unforgivable: a vampire movie without a Cure song on the soundtrack. Unacceptable. Possibly an interesting choice for Bella meeting Jacob, as they get more entangled in the future.

10. Bloc Party - "She's Hearing Voices" - This one makes a nice reference to Alice and her future seeing abilities and would be good for some interludes when James and Victoria are hunting Bella.

11. The Paper Chase - "These Things Happen" - Honestly if Patsativos knew more about music then this band would be scoring the entire movie. Their eerie, horror aesthetic music is perfect for modern day suspense moments. We'd like to see this song in a hunt scene.

12. Echo & the Bunnymen- "Nocturnal Me" - The third glaring omission. In a post-"Donnie Darko" suspense universe it can be chancy to use a Bunnymen song but with a male lead vampire who's madly in love with you wouldn't you really expect him to put this song on a mix tape?

13. Laura Veirs - "Galaxies" - We'd put this in the hospital scene after James hunts down Bella and Edward has to suck her wound clean. Or possibly when Edward shows Bella his shiny vampire skin.

14. Maps "To the Sky" - This would be great a great choice for the closing credits.

15. The Cardigans - "Lead Me into the Night" - Prom dance song! Great under liner of Bella's desire to join Edward's vampire world and have his vampire babies and crap.

Here's the crappy Paramore song that was written for the film called "Decode." Best of luck; after 30 seconds of this one, you'll have our mix on repeat no doubt.